So I decided to start blogging. One step in front of the other I guess. Where to begin. It all started back in 2009 well 2008 when I noticed a mole on my upper left arm looking kinda funny it was oddly shaped and dark brown and light brown, something inside me told me it wasn't right but come on... its a mole... a MOLE. I let that mole go for another year and it started looking worse. It wouldn't moisturize with lotion and started to look really red and scabby. I went to my local Dr and she looked at it and basically said it wasn't anything to be worried about but she would do a biopsy and let me know. The next evening around 7:00 I got that call. The Dr telling me it was melanoma. I had no idea what that was. I should have with my degree but I didn't. I knew that it was skin cancer but it was just skin cancer right.. The Dr then told me to not be too worried but that I would have to have a wide excision and a lymph node biopsy done to see if it has spread. Not a big deal right...Then I decided to do what everyone does go on the Internet. I stayed up all night long reading about this thing I had and then the fear began. I had read that this just wasn't SKIN cancer. It was something that metastasizes and loves to go to brain, lungs, and liver. I saw horrible pictures of tumors all over people. I saw pictures that really to this day will not leave my memory. I saw people on YouTube who has now left us which makes this thing more scary. Note.... do not look up things unless you know for sure you can deal with it. I tried to forget all those things and I went to my surgeon who assured me that this DOES NOT spread in the blood stream.. and good thing it wasn't in my lymph node but I was left with a HUGE scar on my arm. Total shark bite. Life was good again. There was no way the surgeon said it. Even though the Internet told me that it can. But... it was just skin cancer right.....
6 months later...6 MONTHS>>>>>I had noticed a large lump in my abdomen. It wasn't there before and it started making me worried. I went back to the Dr and she felt it and said it was probably a lypoma.. a fatty tumor. Something inside of me took me back to those Internet pictures and I knew it wasn't a fatty tumor. She ordered a cat scan and I begged the tech to tell me what he saw. He told me he couldn't and then later came in and said it wasn't a fatty tumor but I couldn't tell anyone that he told me that. I decided to NOT go back to that surgeon who told me there was no way it could spread and I went to a well know surgeon who I had seen before. I got in pretty quickly and scheduled a removal. I was put out and when I woke up the surgeon was standing in front of me very somber. " Mrs. Walling.... I'm so sorry to tell you it was melanoma, it was the bluest thing I have ever seen. We need to get you to a oncologist and I would recommend someone close to home but you should go to University of Michigan too. They know there stuff there." It was November 2009. December 2009 I had made a appointment with a local oncologist who was well known and my Brother and Sister in Law came over to take me. I just know that I knew it was ST 3... right... I mean really 6 months ago I was St 1. St 3 was still not good but there was no way it could be a ST 4. So... I sucked it up and went to the oncologist. That wait was excruciating. But...I had already done my research right.. So we waited. Me and my Sister in Law Renee. He came in and sat down. He looked at me and said those words. I'm sorry Mrs. Walling... but you have ST4 Metastatic Melanoma. That lump grew so large in my throat that I could barely breath. SERIOUSLY....I begged him to tell me how much time I had because I had done the research. I knew all to well what this meant. I knew the statistics. He began to draw this line... a time line...and the rest was history.. I couldn't stop crying. Everyone was crying. The helplessness I felt in that moment will never leave my memory. I wanted to know what I could do. What treatment options were there. NOTHING>> clinical studies was all that was offered to me and he told me that those weren't promising. I left that visit broken. I came home and told my husband and for the next 3 days straight there was crying. It was before Christmas and I really felt helpless. There was nothing for me. No Chemo.. No medicine. No nothing. I began journaling. I look back at those notes and it was sad. Things like I just want to be here for my kids... I just want to see my daughter graduate.. I just want to be there for my son when he starts driving. I wanted to LIVE... and I was prepared to do what it took.
I decided to say forget you Local Oncologist... This deserves the best...I booked my appointment with the University of Michigan a week later. I have to insert here that I was working at the time and I had to begin to take some time off and I will never forget my employer getting a little mad at me because I was depressed and not looking to far into the future. I will never forget the day I came in and him saying to me..."Come on Jolaina,,, snap out of it... its just skin cancer...". JUST>>>>> really. it made me more determined to fight. I went to my appointment at U of M and they booked me directly after Christmas to start a treatment called IL2. It would be hard and I would have to stay in the Hospital for 2 weeks, then home then another round. I will never forget that. It was hard. To say it was like a bad flu was nothing compared to what it did to me. The worst part was something called riggers. I shook uncontrollably and I couldn't get warm. I hated it. I did it though and with the help of my great team there we got through. If you know me you would know I talk. I will talk to anyone and the day I was getting ready for my next treatment I noticed a guy across from me in intake he was talking about how it was in his lungs... I couldn't help but listen. He was with his beautiful wife and they looked my age. I knew that there were only going to be 3 of us with melanoma going in for this treatment and I knew he was one of them. I tried to get their attention and I did..I told them my name and he told me his and the friendship began. Finally... someone who knew what I was going through. His name was John. He was 39. I was37. One of the days I was in the Hospital and feeling OK I would walk. I found his room and would go in and chat for a sec. We exchanged phone numbers and would talk frequently. In March my appointment to go back and see if the IL2 had worked came up and no shocker.. no improvement. What next.....
My great Dr. told me of a clinical study at the National Cancer Institute in Maryland. I live in Michigan and it would be hard to go back and forth but if I got accepted they would pay for everything. It would mean I would need to stop working and apply for Disability. It would change everything. I needed to try.. I HAD to do this. So... the next chapter. I am going to stop here for now. I will finish tomorrow. Its alot that I have been through and to rehash all this is a little hard. I have been through alot. I hate melanoma and If I can help someone with my experience that is what I'm going to do. This is why we are here right. To love and help others. Maybe this was my call. I don't know but in the midst of being bored to tears now and my life story I should get it out there. I will pick it up again tomorrow. I will call it Looking at at that Mountain. Till tomorrow...
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